Letters to My Children - March 2013

This letter, my dear children, is a story, an apology, and a thank you note, all rolled up into one.

Across the course of our lives, we have to make various difficult choices.  There are always a variety of reasons, limitations, circumstances; and this is no different.  I had to make a choice.  Did I want it? Or did I want to give up? 

Am I headed in the right direction?

It was strongly suggested that I take the PE (Professional Engineer) exam for work.  I didn't want to.  I drug my feet.  I kicked the dirt.  I thought it was dumb for a Chemical Engineer to have to do what Civil Engineers do.   I thought it was dumb that I had to learn for the first time Civil fundamentals which I explicitly did NOT want to study in college.  I despised the fact I was supposed to master concepts like Momentum and Reactions and Trusses and such.  Most of all, I didn't want to divert what little energy I had away from you both and Dad.  But, that's what they wanted me to do, so with a lot of preparation in the first quarter of 2012 I begrudgingly did it.

And in June, I found out I failed.

I was angry.  I was upset.  I was so disappointed in myself.  I didn't know if I wanted to go through that grueling 8 hour piece of hell (in addition to the 250+ hours of preparation) again.  But in hindsight, I realized I spent so much energy fighting the fact that I didn't want to take the exam, that I didn't leave much on the table available for actually succeeding in taking it.

Not the happiest camper....

So I made another big decision. I wanted to show you, my sweet boy and girl, that even though life is difficult, and some tasks appear to be insurmountable, that if you believe in yourself and give yourself a little focus you can achieve great things.  Even if (or especially if) you've failed before.  I chose to plow through the swamp of preparation and forge ahead.  It meant temporarily but actively shifting the focus away from my most important and most precious treasure....my family.

I still harbor some pretty strong guilt about doing this.  Why?  Well, when Dad isn't travelling, I quickly eat dinner and am downstairs at 6PM to work problems or watch one of the online classes (which you both like to peek in and see "the guy in the computer").  On weekends, I'm off in the morning to study at Panera (since the library isn't open too early) and come home late in the afternoon.  When I do come home, I'm exhausted  and generally not much fun to be around.  I don't have a lot of extra energy to put into meal planning or cooking, and that means we're all not eating as well as I would like, and forget about housecleaning.......  I'm leaning a lot on Dad to help carry the load, and although he is more than happy to support me through this mess (since he's been there himself, 10 years ago) sometimes that makes him not in the greatest of moods either.

When Dad is travelling, I don't sleep very well.  Which means I'm short tempered, angry, tired and upset that I'm tired and angry and upset. I'm left with not much energy to be a good mom, let alone to study.  Which again, makes me generally not much fun to be around.  I see you, Liam, walking on eggshells doing your best not to make me upset, or rushing to help Lola put toys away.  I see that look in your eyes - searching my face to see if I'm going to explode or yell or cry from being at the end of my rope.  And it breaks my heart.  But then, you'll ask after a hard day of studying, "Mom! Did you learn lots of things so you can get all the questions right?"  My answer is always the same, "Well, I'm sure trying my hardest, and I will do the best I can.  But yes, I think I will get them all right."  Liam, you make me believe in ME!

I'm trying so hard to let go of the guilt, to let it be OK that I want this PE. SO BAD.  To let it be OK to lean on you, my family, to support me in my crazy endeavors.  Even though I am paralyzed with fear that I might fail again, I want to be strong enough to admit to you both and to Dad that I want to be smart enough, to prove myself, to equalize my playing field at work.  But it is so, so hard.

Liam and Lola, I am so so sorry to drag you all through this.  But it is only temporary.....

Waving goodbye to the bumpy, prickly road, and looking forward to happiness!

One more month, and I'll be free again.   I can't say that I will get to make it all up to you.  Chances are, I'll just collapse in a big  heap of goo, and hopefully be able to gain back some resemblance of normalcy in a reasonable amount of time.  I'll probably still be short tempered and irritable at times....but I will be so so thankful that you all supported me when some days even I didn't think I could do it myself.

We'll be OK as long as we have each other.

 I'm sorry.  Thank you.  And I love you both, so very much.

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Follow our Letters to Our Children Blog Circle over to David Villano!

Letters to our Children - February 2013

I'm embarking on a new project for the next year with some of my cyberfriends - a monthly letter to our children.  This is my first stab at it - and I think its going to be rather fun :)

My dearest Liam and Lola,

I don’t think I can even begin to describe how much I adore watching the two of you interact.  It is the ENTIRE reason we wanted more than one child, and frankly, the best gift we could have given you.  Each other.  Yes, there are battles…sometimes hilarious, more often than not just plain irritating.  But this, oh this kind of moment.  Sitting together, sharing, talking, learning, coloring, laughing as only siblings can….this is bliss.

Don’t even get me started about how much I LOVE your drawings.  Liam this is a relatively recent development for you.  You never really enjoyed coloring, and weren’t really interested in drawing pictures (of course, paper does not have wheels, so I understand why).  But in the last month there has been an EXPLOSION of drawings.  Drawings of your family, of your favorite subject (angry birds, star wars, or a combination of the two), drawings of your friends’ names – little scribbles where you decide you want something different and turn it into something else.  I love EVERY little piece of paper that you bring home and insist you HAVE to display it somewhere on a wall.  In the hallway.  In the livingroom. In the bathroom.  In ALL of our bedrooms.  Sometimes you make a picture for someone special, sometimes you get “tired” of a subject (like houses, or angry birds) and move on to something else.  Every picture you bring home is like looking directly at the synapses firing in your brain.  I love the creativity, I love the back stories, and mostly, I love how proud you are of your work.  Being proud of yourself is something that isn’t always easy to do (for me, anyway) – I  hope you hold on to that forever!

R2D2's - Liam 2013

Now, Lola is beginning to see your pictures and as little sisters do she is following your lead, drawing, creating, learning and showing us her “stories”, too.  

Our Family - Lola 2013

Lola, I love all your colorful people – but my favorite thing is when you bring home a paper with all of our names written clear as day.  Our little family.  Those four little words, Liam, Lola, Mom and Dad, show me that we are the most important thing to you, sweet girl.  And that tells me that despite all the chaos that is our life, Dad and I must be doing something right.

And I couldn’t be more proud.

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Follow the circle around, to my dear (and very missed) friend, Holly of Holly Burkholder Photography!!
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{Liam's Baptism} :: Chicago Family Event Photographer

Love has arrived in Chicago, and his name is Liam :) Seriously, what a sweet, happy and photogenic little dude. I connected with his family, and was invited to capture his Baptism celebration. There is nothing more incredible than sharing such moments with a wonderful family so full of love - and on top of all that we had a gorgeous day, and the setting was impeccible in a beautiful backyard. Congratulations on your Christening, Liam! You are a lucky boy to have a family that loves you so much!

{Nathaniel C.} :: Chicago Children's Photography

I've photographed many children, but I can honestly say there has never been one quite as sweet as Nathaniel! I still am marveling at how easily he sat and smiled at me, effortlessly, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I think nearly every frame featured his big, gorgeous grin! Thanks, Annie, for inviting me over to spend the morning with you two :)

Spring 2011

Spring 2011, originally uploaded by ~*~ KO ~*~.

One quick preview from our family photo shoot this past weekend :) More to come!

{The Tyler Family} :: Chicago Family Photographer

I love nothing more than to work with a family that I've the privilege of seeing through the lens on many different occasions. And really, what better form of flattery than repeat business? We had an absolutely perfect day, and a perfect setting right outside their front door to do the Tyler family portraits, and I couldn't have spent it with a more beautiful family :) Thank you, again and again, for inviting me in your lives! And thanks for the delicious tacos, too!

{McMillin Family}

It is so sad to bear the thought of losing another friend to moving away, but I'm so very thankful that I've had the chance to watch these kids grow :) And what a great way to go out by celebrating and taking photographs in some of their favorite places in this great city!? We had an absolutely perfect morning, and I couldn't think of a nicer family to spend it with. Thanks McMillin Family! Chicago will definitely miss you!