This month, dearest Liam and Lola, I would like to make yet another confession. I know, most of my posts are about something I feel terrible about or feel guilty for - but I just can't help it! There are many things about being a mother that come natural to me - but oh so many shortcomings too. The point of this is this: 30 years from now when you're in therapy hashing up crazy things your mom did to put you in whatever position you are....just have them read these letters. Maybe it will give you some perspective - and help you give me some forgiveness!
Back to my confession: I am a Helicopter parent. A worry wart. A Nervous Nellie. However you want to call it - it sometimes when you do something that has even a minutia of physical risk, it makes my heart feel like it is going to beat out of my chest. Its not that I don't think you can do things.....it is just that I'm terrified of you getting hurt. Of breaking a bone. Or breaking your neck.
I know - its graphic....but that's where my mind goes sometimes. Part of the territory from living with a lifetime of anxiety and depression, I suppose. Right now, depression is pretty low. Non-existent, or as non-existent as it can be - which is great! But the anxiety OH THE ANXIETY!!! Now that, for whatever reason, is sky high. And I fight it in one vain or another every. single. day. Its not bad enough that I need medication at this point, but it is on close watch.
So, when you ask to do things that are fun (like, for example, jump on an old school trampoline with no kid-keeping net on it!), I have to fight every urge in my body that wants to tell you NO! Instead, I say "Of Course!". In my mind (or maybe outloud...) I say "Just don't jump too high. And stay exactly in the middle. AND NO FLIPS. AND KEEP AWAY FROM THE EDGE!".
Sigh.
And what happens? Well, for Liam, nothing. Nothing but fun anyway. For Lola - she fell and scratched her face trying to get UP on the trampoline.
Kids, I know my anxiety will always be trying to pull to keep you safe in a bubble. But I know there is so much to experience and explore in life. I will do my best to step back, squash the fire alarms ringing in my head, let you learn and grow and explore. After all, it is the only thing I can do so you can experience the wind whooshing through your hair as you bounce on a cool fall morning under a canopy of jeweled leaves! It will be no easy battle, but the smiles and joy on your faces I know will be worth it :)
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