Letters to our Children - May 2013

Hi Kids!

I'm hoping for something a little less deep this month...since I feel like the past two months have been nothing but pouring my heart out!

I wanted to talk to you both a little bit about fear :)

I'm a very proud Mama - of course you know I always am!  But recently, you both surprised me a little!

Liam, when you walked into your bedroom today and saw Lola with a bloody nose, you reacted quickly, came to get me, and helped as I cleaned her up!  You were scared, sure, but you also helped and even made a couple suggestions (based on what your friend at school, who also had bloody noses, did).  Thank you so much for being a great helper even when it was a scary situation!

Lola, I know it was SO SCARY to go up on that stage for dance!  You were tired, clingy, and cranky, but you managed to get out there. You weren't very happy about it, but YOU DID IT!!

Working on my ROAR!

Liam, I know you were a bit nervous about dancing too - but you remembered all your moves, and were so brave!  You are such a hip-hop Jungle Boogie superstar :)

Freestylin'

There will be many times in our lives when we are a little bit scared - but know that you will always have loving arms to celebrate with you and to support you if you do not succeed!  I love you both :)

::::

Follow the Letters to Our Children blog circle along to Theresa Martel!!

Letters to our children - April 2013

My sweet Liam and Lola, this month has brought many, many ups and downs.  The biggest change, is that I was let go from my full time engineering job three weeks before I was scheduled to take my Professional Engineer Exam (I wrote about in my letter last month).

Scary and unexpected, this is really a blessing and great news!  More importantly than that, I am SO happy to report even though I am officially unemployed - I stuck with it, and studied my hardest, gave that test 100% of everything I had.  It is done.  I will not know the outcome until July, but I feel so good about how it went, the outcome is inconsequential.  I am completely and entirely proud of myself.

Now, back to our big life change.  Now that the exam is over, we left your amazing daycare (or "school" as you like to call it) and you will be staying home with me.  This brings a whole other set of challenges, most of which we will discover as we go along.  Fears about money, and if I'll be good enough at keeping you engaged and entertained, and the like; but that is not what I'd like to focus on the message for the month.

I'd like to just take a few moments and tell you both about the things we've learned this past month.

1.  Our elders are our treasures.  Grandma Dora (my grandmother) came to visit when Mema and Papa came for a week before the test. She is officially a prayer warrior, and prays every morning and every night.  She has lived on this earth for over 90 years (and still going strong).  I am so in awe of her faith, and her love, I am so blessed we had a chance to live with her for a week and you two got to see it first hand :)

2.  Faith is a treasure.  Every night we say prayers for everyone we love, and extra prayers for those in our lives that need it.  Recently, we pray nightly for my cousin Mamie, who awoke from a coma after 11 days and is well on her way to recovery.  It is nothing short of a miracle.  We all did our part together to help in that.

3.  Family is a treasure.  Heartache.  Pain.  Hurt and death.  These things will always exist in the world.  But so will family, close at hand to lend a shoulder to cry on, an arm to steady our walk, or far away and close in heart with kind words of "I love you" even across the country through email.

4.  Helpers are a treasure.  Scary things happened in Boston, and Liam, you had a lot of questions because you've been to races with me and somehow you know what bombs and explosions are. But we focused all those questions around all the helpers we saw on the news: firefighters, policemen, volunteers.  In tragedy (see number 3)  somehow humanity shines and gives hope....pulling together and fighting back when fear and hopelessness try to overcome us.

5. Storms are scary.  Sometimes its the mess after the storm that is hard to deal with too.  We had so much rain and as you both said when looking downstairs; "WOW!  THERE IS A LAKE IN THE BASEMENT!" You both noticed that Mom and Dad worked as a team to clean up the mess, and you both helped with the final mopping.  Because we are family, and we work hard together to keep our house running....through ups and downs, storms and sunny skies.  Even when we had to toss out some stuff that we couldn't save, at the end of the day it is just stuff.  The stuff doesn't really matter.

What does matter, is us.  We will figure it out and weather through it all; with God, and each other.

Please follow the "Letters to Our Children" Blog circle to Heather Rodburg!

Letters to My Children - March 2013

This letter, my dear children, is a story, an apology, and a thank you note, all rolled up into one.

Across the course of our lives, we have to make various difficult choices.  There are always a variety of reasons, limitations, circumstances; and this is no different.  I had to make a choice.  Did I want it? Or did I want to give up? 

Am I headed in the right direction?

It was strongly suggested that I take the PE (Professional Engineer) exam for work.  I didn't want to.  I drug my feet.  I kicked the dirt.  I thought it was dumb for a Chemical Engineer to have to do what Civil Engineers do.   I thought it was dumb that I had to learn for the first time Civil fundamentals which I explicitly did NOT want to study in college.  I despised the fact I was supposed to master concepts like Momentum and Reactions and Trusses and such.  Most of all, I didn't want to divert what little energy I had away from you both and Dad.  But, that's what they wanted me to do, so with a lot of preparation in the first quarter of 2012 I begrudgingly did it.

And in June, I found out I failed.

I was angry.  I was upset.  I was so disappointed in myself.  I didn't know if I wanted to go through that grueling 8 hour piece of hell (in addition to the 250+ hours of preparation) again.  But in hindsight, I realized I spent so much energy fighting the fact that I didn't want to take the exam, that I didn't leave much on the table available for actually succeeding in taking it.

Not the happiest camper....

So I made another big decision. I wanted to show you, my sweet boy and girl, that even though life is difficult, and some tasks appear to be insurmountable, that if you believe in yourself and give yourself a little focus you can achieve great things.  Even if (or especially if) you've failed before.  I chose to plow through the swamp of preparation and forge ahead.  It meant temporarily but actively shifting the focus away from my most important and most precious treasure....my family.

I still harbor some pretty strong guilt about doing this.  Why?  Well, when Dad isn't travelling, I quickly eat dinner and am downstairs at 6PM to work problems or watch one of the online classes (which you both like to peek in and see "the guy in the computer").  On weekends, I'm off in the morning to study at Panera (since the library isn't open too early) and come home late in the afternoon.  When I do come home, I'm exhausted  and generally not much fun to be around.  I don't have a lot of extra energy to put into meal planning or cooking, and that means we're all not eating as well as I would like, and forget about housecleaning.......  I'm leaning a lot on Dad to help carry the load, and although he is more than happy to support me through this mess (since he's been there himself, 10 years ago) sometimes that makes him not in the greatest of moods either.

When Dad is travelling, I don't sleep very well.  Which means I'm short tempered, angry, tired and upset that I'm tired and angry and upset. I'm left with not much energy to be a good mom, let alone to study.  Which again, makes me generally not much fun to be around.  I see you, Liam, walking on eggshells doing your best not to make me upset, or rushing to help Lola put toys away.  I see that look in your eyes - searching my face to see if I'm going to explode or yell or cry from being at the end of my rope.  And it breaks my heart.  But then, you'll ask after a hard day of studying, "Mom! Did you learn lots of things so you can get all the questions right?"  My answer is always the same, "Well, I'm sure trying my hardest, and I will do the best I can.  But yes, I think I will get them all right."  Liam, you make me believe in ME!

I'm trying so hard to let go of the guilt, to let it be OK that I want this PE. SO BAD.  To let it be OK to lean on you, my family, to support me in my crazy endeavors.  Even though I am paralyzed with fear that I might fail again, I want to be strong enough to admit to you both and to Dad that I want to be smart enough, to prove myself, to equalize my playing field at work.  But it is so, so hard.

Liam and Lola, I am so so sorry to drag you all through this.  But it is only temporary.....

Waving goodbye to the bumpy, prickly road, and looking forward to happiness!

One more month, and I'll be free again.   I can't say that I will get to make it all up to you.  Chances are, I'll just collapse in a big  heap of goo, and hopefully be able to gain back some resemblance of normalcy in a reasonable amount of time.  I'll probably still be short tempered and irritable at times....but I will be so so thankful that you all supported me when some days even I didn't think I could do it myself.

We'll be OK as long as we have each other.

 I'm sorry.  Thank you.  And I love you both, so very much.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Follow our Letters to Our Children Blog Circle over to David Villano!

Letters to our Children - February 2013

I'm embarking on a new project for the next year with some of my cyberfriends - a monthly letter to our children.  This is my first stab at it - and I think its going to be rather fun :)

My dearest Liam and Lola,

I don’t think I can even begin to describe how much I adore watching the two of you interact.  It is the ENTIRE reason we wanted more than one child, and frankly, the best gift we could have given you.  Each other.  Yes, there are battles…sometimes hilarious, more often than not just plain irritating.  But this, oh this kind of moment.  Sitting together, sharing, talking, learning, coloring, laughing as only siblings can….this is bliss.

Don’t even get me started about how much I LOVE your drawings.  Liam this is a relatively recent development for you.  You never really enjoyed coloring, and weren’t really interested in drawing pictures (of course, paper does not have wheels, so I understand why).  But in the last month there has been an EXPLOSION of drawings.  Drawings of your family, of your favorite subject (angry birds, star wars, or a combination of the two), drawings of your friends’ names – little scribbles where you decide you want something different and turn it into something else.  I love EVERY little piece of paper that you bring home and insist you HAVE to display it somewhere on a wall.  In the hallway.  In the livingroom. In the bathroom.  In ALL of our bedrooms.  Sometimes you make a picture for someone special, sometimes you get “tired” of a subject (like houses, or angry birds) and move on to something else.  Every picture you bring home is like looking directly at the synapses firing in your brain.  I love the creativity, I love the back stories, and mostly, I love how proud you are of your work.  Being proud of yourself is something that isn’t always easy to do (for me, anyway) – I  hope you hold on to that forever!

R2D2's - Liam 2013

Now, Lola is beginning to see your pictures and as little sisters do she is following your lead, drawing, creating, learning and showing us her “stories”, too.  

Our Family - Lola 2013

Lola, I love all your colorful people – but my favorite thing is when you bring home a paper with all of our names written clear as day.  Our little family.  Those four little words, Liam, Lola, Mom and Dad, show me that we are the most important thing to you, sweet girl.  And that tells me that despite all the chaos that is our life, Dad and I must be doing something right.

And I couldn’t be more proud.

________________________________

Follow the circle around, to my dear (and very missed) friend, Holly of Holly Burkholder Photography!!
________________________________

{Liam's Baptism} :: Chicago Family Event Photographer

Love has arrived in Chicago, and his name is Liam :) Seriously, what a sweet, happy and photogenic little dude. I connected with his family, and was invited to capture his Baptism celebration. There is nothing more incredible than sharing such moments with a wonderful family so full of love - and on top of all that we had a gorgeous day, and the setting was impeccible in a beautiful backyard. Congratulations on your Christening, Liam! You are a lucky boy to have a family that loves you so much!

{Nathaniel C.} :: Chicago Children's Photography

I've photographed many children, but I can honestly say there has never been one quite as sweet as Nathaniel! I still am marveling at how easily he sat and smiled at me, effortlessly, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I think nearly every frame featured his big, gorgeous grin! Thanks, Annie, for inviting me over to spend the morning with you two :)

Spring 2011

Spring 2011, originally uploaded by ~*~ KO ~*~.

One quick preview from our family photo shoot this past weekend :) More to come!